Saturday, December 4, 2021
Mara’s Eulogy for Marilyn
My brother Mark did a great job telling you about our mom and the chronology of her life, which was amazing. I am more the touchy/feely sibling and hope to give you a sense of the sweet, brave but understated lady she was.
The first real adventure of her life is picking up at the age of 21, with little money in her pocket and taking the train from Nebraska to Southern California with her sister Betty and friend Marge! They stayed with their Aunt Camille and Uncle Bill Halbur for a week before securing an apartment to share and finding jobs. Marilyn found a job at the Santa Monica Board of Education and with no car they took the bus around town. I know it was a different time but it still took guts to pull that off!
You heard about the Catholic Singles group they joined, the Damien Club. Not only is this the group where she met my dad, but these folks became lifelong friends. I remember as a child going to the homes of the Barones, the Carriveaus, and the Dennings to name a few! The adults played games and drank and we kids got to roam and play, a bit unsupervised! Adventures and good times for sure with these friends that became family!
Now here she is a wife and mother of three little kids, under 3! My three youngest grandchildren are about the same age and I get just a small taste of what that must have been like! She struggled a bit under this huge responsibility, especially because Dad often worked a second part time job to help make ends meet and they only had one car! She survived, as women do, by finding her tribe of other young mothers including her sisters. I remember playing with Suz, my sister and our Rienstra cousins, Deborah and Bonnie where we would have tea parties and pretend to be Marilyn and Charlene, pinkies in the air and all while our moms talked and gossiped!
My mom’s middle years were a testament to her steadfast and selfless nature. She took care of all of us and my dad with a smile on her face and giving all she had with little thought to her own ambitions and needs.
Our sister Suzanne fought cancer most of her adult life. First Hodgkin’s lymphoma and later bilateral metastatic breast cancer. I know this pained my mom greatly and she would do anything to take this burden from her daughter. Mom did all she could to help Suz and became very close with her daughter, Heather. My mom and Heather maintained that bond to the very end.
Marilyn became very ill and was hospitalized with a bowel obstruction caused by adhesions the day before Suz died on November 20, 2004. It was as if mom were trying to absorb the pain and loss of her daughter’s death in a physical way. Mom required a major surgery and then developed complications but survived this difficult period. I found it very very amazing that mom chose that same date, November 20 to join Suz in heaven, a testament to their very close relationship! Heather wrote this poignant text to me right after Marilyn passed: “I know, while our hearts hurt, I can’t help but cry tears of joy knowing that Nana left this earth so happy and full of love reuniting with mom. I know she had a hole in her heart the day mom passed because she couldn’t be there and now it is filled. I can feel the love from her, mom, and grandpy and now they will always be with us.”
In the later years, our roles reversed and I became the caregiver. Even in this mom was able to teach me about life, the cycle of life to be exact. Sometime in the last 2 weeks of her life as she lay dying, I was holding her hand and trying to reassure her. Later that evening, I was trying to sooth my 2 year old granddaughter as she was missing her mommy and daddy at bedtime. I felt so blessed and honored to have had this intimate and comforting experience with my mom and granddaughter in the same day, one life slipping away and the other dawning!
Despite the frailties of age and the loss of her cognitive abilities, Marilyn retained her sweet nature and was so appreciative of life. Everyday she was dressed impeccably, hair done, and makeup on. She and my dad loved their afternoon McDonal’s one dollar senior coffee along with something sweet. They were helped in theses endeavors by our wonderful caregiver, Nancy Bermudez. I would like to thank her for her more than 5 years of service to my parents. I would also like to thank the wonderful Vitas Hospice Team, led by Barbara Hernandez as they cared for mom for more than 2 years. Barbara told me that she would come visit mom as her last patient of the day because she was so special and brightened her day!
When my parents lived with Ralph and I we all looked forward to happy hour where mom imbibed on her one half of a frozen Margarita pouch and dad had his Scotch. So please, toast one to Marilyn today and anytime you have a margarita and remember her always as the sweet, kind, and selfless ray of sunshine she was in this world.
